1999

Wed. O1.06: I go buy milk at the Yemeni corner store at 104th street and Columbus Avenue. For several years it's been "How are you?" "Fine thank you" with the owner although he wanted to help me back in 1994 to sell my hats and once he let me have a pack of tobacco on credit.

So today he asks how I'm doing and instead of the usual answer I say "My life is so complicated! If I told you, you'd think I'm crazy." He asks if I'm married, and what about the man he saw me with last summer. I say that we're not together anymore, that he wasn't good for me. He asks if I have a boyfriend right now and I say no, I'm alone most of the time because my life is so complicated and my voice starts to falter and my eyes fill with tears. I think about Felix who deliberately hurt me last time we had sex and about the impossibility for me to connect with anyone without the new friend or lover becoming a secret enemy right away. So in order to preserve whatever good feelings somebody has for me, I can't allow that person to become close, although I'm dying of solitude. I leave the store crying.

Fri 01 08: Ron must have heard from Thornton about the letter I sent him. This time he doesn't speak to me.

Mon. 01 11: Open free website at library. At midnight, just after I turn off light, a car burns in front of my window.

Tues. 01 12: Argument with black man who talks to himself nonstop in front of library before it opens. Threatens to shoot me and to get me. Computer doesn't reach web sites. Go to St Agnes [library] at Amsterdam [Avenue] and 81st [Street]. There a woman (young) at checkout says loud enough for me to hear...


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