JULY 2000

3rd: Dr Zvereva and Michelle called mother. Michelle leaves message on answering machine. I observe that it’s paradoxical that they should ask my mother to take me under her wing when she is responsible for my becoming homeless in the first place, and when despite her words that she wants me back she refuses my calls and doesn’t send me money.

Patient James Murph, a young black man with a razor scar on his mouth and cheek, and with whom I played a good game of ping pong caressed my leg and I let him do it. Boyd, who has threatened me, wnats to be friends with me and offers a handshake.

6: Boyd who this morning let me smoke some of his cigarette wants to be my boyfriend and asks me the reasons why I don’t want to. He says he’s a rap star and has a lot of money. While the conversation is going on I’m called to the visiting room where I find dr. Z. She says I’m being transferred today to PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I kiss Murph good bye and shake Boyd’s hand. He’s pissed off. I’m given a $50 allowance at PHP. Some patients sleep in their chair. I have a tiny room to myself. I’m free to go out at last. What progress!

During my meeting with Dr. Z she asked about my relationship with my mother. I said it was very bad, that she had abused me since early childhood. Dr Z asked if I realized that I sound a little paranoid when I speak about my mother. I protested that what I said was true, that my memories went back to when I was 2 years old.

The interview with Dr. Davis, the PHP shrink, sounds more like a cross-examination than a doctor-patient interview. He manages to make me say that I netted 50K when I was selling my hats and later that I didn’t file an income tax return. Also reading from Dr. Neschis’s report hee asks me to elaborate on my claim that my mother has ties to the Mafia. I protest I never said that. All I said was that my father claimed to be a gangsters at least twice. I said that I had proof that my mother went behind my back to interfere with my relationships. He asked me what she said to people. I got angry and said I had no way to know since it happened behind my back. The trap-question, He fidgeted with his glasses, making an annoying noise.

7th: In late afternoon patient Christopher and I talk about travel, Morocco where his mother lives, and feeding animals. Then he invites me for a walk. When we’re some distance from the hospital grounds he takes my hand and we walk like this for the rest of the time. His hand is cold and clammy. I talk about my reduced expectations of marriage and my lack of patience with the seduction game and my unwillingness to jump through hoops to please a man.

8: I roll 10 cigarettes (a pack of TOP rolling tobacco is only $1.50) and at 3PM bring them to James Murph. He’s in the smoking room and invites me to go to the visiting room but it’s occupied by a patient so we go to the day room where he touches my leg. When the visiting room becomes free we hurry there. We speak about ourselves. He’s much younger than me. After 20 minutes I leave with the promise to return with rolling tobacco. He says he might be moved to another unit but maybe he says this only to make me return soon. He’s very glad of my visit, being lonely with no visitors at all.

Later I taught a staff member how to crochet an hexagon. She did well and thanked me a lot. Still later a patient, David, took me to a nearby dog pound and we walked one dog each and for our trouble were given one cigarette. So this was an interesting day.

16th: I never received the money Elis. said had been sent on June 2 -but then the money sent by registered mail should have arrived at St Joseph’s one week after my transfer to Rockland.

I’ve been wondering why my mother has refused to take my calls 5 or 6 times in a row. There may be two reasons: one is that the letter I sent to the fiscal auditor in Evreux reached her and she has started to investigate and mother is mad at me; two is because I sniffed a trap when mother offered to have me stay in a home for the depressed, because she said that a student of hers had been there and made a friend. She said that now the two women lived together. The way she spoke I could have believed that they were soulmates, if not lovers for mom is very prudish and would not imply that deliberately. Anyway I understood that she wanted me to go to that place with the expectation of meeting a “sensational” woman like her “student” did, and that woman, no doubt, would be a friend of mother who would lead me to a trap. Shortly after she mentioned this home for the depressed, if there is any such thing, Dr. N. asked me if I still believed that my mother was interfering with my private life and I answered “She has already tried to make me meet somebody.” Maybe this got back to her and she’s irate that her deceptions do not work anymore. This might explain her refusal to speak to me. She must be ashamed too.

I note with satisfaction that my skin has stopped to break out. That’s probably because the stress level here is very low. I don’t feel like picking my skin at all as long as I don’t feel a zit coming up. I don’t feel that anybody is trying to befriend me only to sing the praise of my mother. Not here.

Call Elis. collect. She said that I had said that I was being forced and coerced to return to

France as if it was an explanation for the money Mom sent in the mail never arriving. I admitted that I had said that. After all there is no shame in it, and added that I had gotten used to the idea of coming back and had made plans. But the first thing I said was that I had not received the money and needed it badly. I said I would call back to give her a new phone number as we were moving to another building on Tuesday.

19th: There is this Kenneth #! Whom I’ve met the first day at PHP. He’s very quiet and mumbles when he speaks. He’s borrowed a small sum from me. Today he complained that a hole is being dug in the back of the church courtyard and that it must not please the Lord and it takes away his reason for living.

Kenneth #2 has been buying me coffee in the afternoon three days in a row and today asked if I needed tobacco. All this without apparent reason but yesterday he said that he used to have a dog grooming business and that he was put out of business by the Mafia and was in hiding at the hospital. Today he said that the Mafia had made him close his business because he knew things and did not keep his mouth shut and that he had been in the hospital for twenty years. Very crazy.

20th. Ken #! was paid today but said the couldn’t pay me back. Maybe that’s why he was being so churchy yesterday.

Elisabeth called at 4:45 as agreed. She started by saying that the conditions of my return were unchanged, that I had to go through Mrs Menu at the French consulate for my plane reservation. I asked if the ambulance company had sent her the bills. No. Then I said that the reason why they wanted to pay the ambulance and have Mrs Menu make the travel arrangements was so that I would have the smallest possible amount of money in hand. But with what woould I live in France? I asked my sister. She had no answer. I then protested being treated like a 5 year old who cannot be trusted with money, said that it was a violation of my privacy to make me account for every dollar I requested. She said it was because I had promised several times to return but had stayed in the US instead. I said it wasn’t me who wanted to return, it was mother, and if she wanted so bad for me to return how come she didn’t take my calls? She replied that when I would be back in France I would probably not see her. She said I had made threats. I asked her to explain. I thought that the family wanted to harm me she said. That’s true, I said, but it’s not a threat. She said that I had made other threats. I said if I had made threats they could sue me. “Oh, enough with justice!” she exclaimed.

We spoke briefly of the estate when I sad that all I wanted was my share of the estate, which Mom had promised to pay me after the sale of the Pantin building, and be left alone to live my life as I saw fit, that where I lived was my own business and that Mom had no call forcing me to return to France. “So you don’t want to come back?” Elis. asked. “I want to come back but not be forced to do so by economic pressure, being dragged by the skin of my neck like a bandit!”

The money Mom had sent to St Joseph was returned to her and if Elis. is to be believed -though I doubt it- Mom is now visiting Francois. So she took off without sending back the money! She insists on sending it in the mail because, she says, bankers take 20% of the money in the transaction when it goes through a bank. Baloney! They take a flat fee. So Mom is to send back the money at my new address in Rockland. I said I was going to be transferred soon and Mom should send it express.

We spoke again of the estate and it became heated. I was wondering if we could calm down enough to discuss sending me money again. At one point Elis. faltered. She said she was only the spokeswoman, decisions came from Mom.

About my return to France I said that maybe I could stay in Mamy’s old apartment for a while. She said it now belonged to my godfather and uncle Jean, which I knew. She asked what were my plans once I was back in France. I said I would like to go to university to have better prospects and better paying jobs.

26: Call from Agnes. It gets very heated then I say that she’s making me suffer so let’s talk about someting else. I say I haven’t received any official news about the estate for a long time. She offers to send me some past mailings.

27: I am transferred to RCCA (Residential Care Center for Adults).

31st: Receive $94 in dollar bills from Mother. This is the money that was sent to St Joseph and was returned to France. All this trouble for such a paltry sum. You’d think mother is bleeding herself white to send me this money. But it’s just in time because I’ve run out of pocket money.