Diary of a Marked W•man

Paris, April 2006


Comment I wrote on an article found on Informationclearinghouse.info:
Look for a wise man among the Native Americans and ask him humbly to help you restore the land to its former health and beauty. Be ready to give up your idolized "American way of life" and learn to make do with little. There is a huge movement of people who re-learn old crafts like spinning wool, weaving, using pre-industrial technology, for instance the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA). Just to make us buy all the plastic junk that suffocates the landfills we have been lied into believing that these old ways were ridiculous because not "modern", and demeaning because they were "manual" as opposed to intellectual work. Is working in a cubicle staring at a computer screen all day long really much more rewarding than weaving a piece of cloth? I think not.

The oil situation will force us to give up traveling long distances so many thousands of square miles of land covered by highways will become useless and can be reclaimed for wildlife and cultivation.

We have seen now that capitalism is unsustainable, that communism does not work, so what is left? It makes perfect sense to seek advice on a form of government and husbandry of resources from the Native Americans. These people have a reverence for wise men, they don't put them in homes, they seek advice from them. Listen to the wise native Americans, men or women. Forget about the professional politicians. Time for a paradigm shift.

This may sound radical but I don't see an alternative except a bloodbath.

Sun. the 9th: haven't written for over a month but been very busy with needlework.

Since my "Contrat d'Insertion" was up for renewal at the end of March I wanted to have as many completed projects as possible to prove that I had fulfilled my end of the contract. So during March I did a 100cm x 50cm panel of dark indigo cotton in Sashiko consisting of three panels of 30 x 40 cm, the first representing bamboo basketweave, the second waves (or fish-scales if seen upside down, which I prefer) and the third a traditional Buddhist "Endless Knot" which I found not in my sashiko book but in a travel book on Mongolia, in a section dealing with arts and crafts. I loved this motif so I blew it up many times on a copier and made a stencil out of it back in 2004 during my stencil-cutting phase, and it came in handy just last month for my third panel, which is intended to be near eye level, the entire piece being a curtain for one of my kitchen windows. And because there was a need to fill up space in the four corners, I placed there one fourth of the Endless Knot and as a result, the empty space has a very nice shape too, which I think is of paramount importance I don't care what anybody says but I think this view agrees with Oriental design concepts. Zen maybe. Each panel took me a week to embroider.

I started braiding during my leisure time. It takes me about 90 minutes to do a seven-strand braid with 80cm long plastic thread (the kind used by kids to do what the French call "scoubidous", or square-section braids. It is interesting to see how the colors come out in a regular pattern and to vary the colors'position at the start and see the result. I have found a way to do a curving braid which can be worn as a fun necklace. Then I tried a "nobler" material, embroidery floss, but it is much too thin so to braid it I would need first to cord it, and to make a three-or four-strand cord, you need a kind of machine that twists the strands separately, then together in the reverse direction. So I'm not there yet. But I have tried a different kind of braid, a flat one with ribbons this time, and also with ribbons around a solid core. I have used a section of specially purchased jump rope to braid four ribbons around, and I have also a thicker core used mainly for handbags handles with which I'll try braiding eight strands of ribbon. A lot of attrative possibilities suggest themselves there too.

Last week I was busy full time with a project in an embroidery style I have never tried before: the Assisi style of embroidery, where the motif is left blank (similar to the "resist" dyeing) and the contours are done in Holbein stitch -like in Blackwork- and where it is the background that is embroidered in cross-stitch. After buying a postal money order on February 6th, it took one month for the procedure to be carried out, and many puzzled e-mails on my part, plus the sending by fax of my receipt to the publisher of the embroidery book in Italy, who finally mailed it to me on March 10. But it was worth the wait because the motifs are taken from antique textiles -this style originated in Italy in the Middle Ages, circa 1300- and show dragons, faces of fauns which seem to have been copied from statues.

The motif I'm doing is a frieze showing a faun in profile with his mouth wide open as if he's singing. He has a horn and above the horn some graceful foliage, and above the foliage the face repeats, and just in front of the face is the same face in a mirror image. So this is a vertical motif and I have done it on white burlap with the intent of making a backpack with the finished piece of cloth, which I cut beforehand to the correct measurements.

I tried several possibilities of cross-stitch for the background. How many strands should I use? For burlap, which has only 6 threads per cm, the six strands are necessary but I wasn't sure because I never did cross-stitch before, so I made several samples, and thanks to the literature I have accumulated, I got useful info from several sources, and was glad to learn that the threads have to be lain flat like a ribbon, not like a cord, in order to cover the background well. But this bit of very important info I did not get from my book of 250 stitches but from the internet, from a MAN embroiderer in Jays's Stitching Hints, who strangely says that womenfolks can use their fingernail as a laying tool, which begs the question, if a man enjoys embroidering, why can't he allow at least one fingernail to grow to do the job?

The book I have only shows the path of the needle but does not give any technical advice. Duh. The bit about how to position the Holbein stitch on the return trip (out at bottom left, in at top right, or vice versa, but not in and out on the same side of the existing stitch), I got from a book I didn't buy. This also is precious tech advice that I have found only in that book. You have to harvest the info here and there, you can't find it all in one place, or maybe in an expensive encyclopaedia, which I can't afford.

As an extra embellishment for the Assisi frieze, the band of embroidered background is often not straight-edged but indented at regular intervals, and additional motifs in Holbein stitch are added on both sides of the band or all around a central motif, thus creating a zone where the background color and the fabric color are blended to avoid an abrupt transition.

Sooo... having found the correct number of strands to use I wasn't satisfied with the two tones of BLUE that I have, one being too dark, the other too light. But my fingers were itching to move, I had some nervous energy I needed to expend. So I thought about crochet, but didn't feel like concentrating on the directions to do Irish crochet, I didn't want to use my head too much. So I opened my Dover book on Filet crochet and.. . TA DA ... found just what the doctor ordered. Three pretty squares with 39 pixels per side. Not a big project, but enough to keep me occupied and get rid of my nerves, hopefully. So I set to it last night around 1 AM until 3:30 then I tried to sleep but couldn't so I took up the crochet again and worked until 7 or 8 AM, and again after I got up and I finished around 9 PM.

I used white DMC cordonnet Number 50 for the first time, which is about half thinner than Phildar Nr 12 I have been using before, but which is worked with the same crochet size, 1mm (numbers 30, 40, 50, 60 and 70 are all worked with 1mm crochet according to DMC.)

The result is lovely. 39 pixels per side equals 18cm (7"), 6 pixels per inch. While doing it I realized that this was exactly what I needed: I had to pay attention but not an attention of every moment, insofar as the motif was geometric and symmetrical on both axes. All I had to do was being careful with the initial design and then the repeats. Well, almost. It is never so simple but it was much easier on the brain than, for instance, an animal or a human figure.

* * *


I read the news on Uruknet, Informationclearinghouse, Rense, Yahoo, Google. Do not feel like spending all the time I would need to read all the articles I save but I do read some of them. Now Bush wants to destroy the underground nuclear weapon factories he fancies Iran has with DU bunker-busters. Just stop a minute to think about such a weapon. I have read that they do not perform as intended, because number one they do not PENETRATE as deeply as intended. Only twenty feet versus the hundred feet they should reach underground. But a twenty feet deep hole is already a big hole, even if it's not deep enough to destroy the bunker. I mean, a hole this deep anywhere is a big hole. Now consider that if one bunker-buster is doing only one-fifth of the job, then five of them are necessary, to reach ONE bunker. At a minimum, but to be on the safe side you would double that amount.

And now, the intel has indicated that there are about 420 nuke-making underground bunkers in Iran. So you do the math: 420 times 10 DU-tipped bunker-busters, equals 4,200 DU bombs. Low-yield? My foot. "Low-yield" means if the explosion takes place in an enclosed area like an underground bunker, the nuke fallout will be contained inside the bunker. You see how nice the bomb engineers are for the population? They really, really CARE about the civilians. They do not want the innocent civilians to be hurt, oh nooooo! You see, the bombs will explode only INSIDE the bunkers, that is why there will be no risk to the population, no collateral damage. Promise.

Now, if the bomb misses its target (God forbid but in a war too, shit happens) Sorryyy... And anyway, supposing the bomb destroys the bunker? The bunker collapses and then where does the air escape? A little deeper underground maybe? I don't think so. It is propelled upwards by the explosion, and the burning DU ceramic particles are blown skyward. So the entire world has to live in fear of breathing a single DU particle. At the same time in the USA severe weather, tornadoes of extraordinary force have been devastating wide areas this past week. So if one considers that global warming is causing extreme weather phenomena, it is easy to connect the DU dots and imagine that with violent air movements, airborne particles can travel very long distances. Read more about the RNEP Bush toys from Globalsecurity.org. About the B61 familyt of nukes, read from Globalsecurity.org and from the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.

If this is the way the earth must be depolupated to recover a viable demography, it is indeed the worst possible way. I don't know how anybody can survive if the entire planet is contaminated by cancer-causing particles that are windborne. Not only humans but all living creatures. How, how, how can the human race, those in a position of influence, the UN, how could they allow this to happen? Why isn't the security Council discussing this issue when Life in its entirety is jeopardized? Why isn't anyone poring over the alleged intelligence to verify its reliability? With all these intelligence analysts, why isn't there a single Stupidity Analyst? ("Mom! I know what I want to do when I grow up!)

And even the logic is flawed because Bush says that Iran is a threat to the security of the region. If he nukes Iran, won't he be doing exactly what he wants to prevent Iran from doing, i. e. nuke the region

And this guy Bush keeps talking about threat here, threat there, threat everywhere, and because he is a damned coward and a paranoid and a bully, he arrogates himself the right to destroy anything and anyone that gives him the willies, but this is a vicious circle because the more he attacks the imaginary threats, the more enemies he makes, and the more insecure he will feel. Someone, tell him this is so!

And I just learned that two of the slowest-moving planets, Uranus and Pluto, are applying in square to each other, and that this is a very dire configuration of strife and power play, revolution, upheaval...Read more here from Astrologyweekly.com and remember that the article said the square of the 1930's lasted four years, so we're not out of the woods yet. Now check out the square formation between Uranus in Pisces and Pluto in Sagittarius on the Astroweather page of Alabe.com. To quote from the site: "Applying Uranus Square Pluto This may be a time of social upheaval, even revolutions. Geological and technical disasters are also possible. Intense conflicts between different factions of society will weaken the fabric of culture. Strikes, protests, and collective bargaining are manifestations of this impulse. Change will not come without some losses. Pluto void in Sagittarius There is movement toward displaying outright power. Tolerance and patience are pushed aside in favor of drastic actions. Old wounds are reopened and confrontations forced. Power plays occur. Secret forces make their presence known. Some seek to act on their urges, others attempt to stop them. Deep secrets are revealed. A collective cleansing is in order. "

I also wanted to note the Plutonian connotations of the US military issues, with Full Spectrum Dominance, Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator -the bunker-busters-, the military Transformation that Rummy wants to be remembered for. These guys have a bad Pluto complex. And just think of the action of an "Earth Penetrator". To me it looks awfully like a RAPE, because it's a forcible penetration, and if I say so you can take it from me because I'm a rape specialist (ask my Mom).

More here on B61-11 bunkerbusters.


Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 San Francisco Gate Photo Gallery

The most horrible photo, I think, is the one at the end of one of the series, showing the young man lying on a bed with his missing lower legs, next to his wife whose full legs are bare and oh, so inviting, providing a heart-wrenching contrast. They are separated by a few inches of space that seems to be un-bridgeable, for what kind of a husband can he be now?See here.

Another really bad one shows one of the young men wearing shorts, trying to walk on his "C-legs", the microprocessor enhanced prostheses:See here.

:See hereHere's a close look at the C-legs with a man standing in them. They don't even replicate the ankle and the heel, since the vertical part meets the foot some distance from the back of the leg. They look AWFUL. The inventor probably never thought people wear shorts sometimes, or skirts, for that matter! See here.

And these men (and women) are in their twenties or early thirties, which means that if they live to be 70 years old they have to look to forty or fifty years of total incapacity, of helplessness and financial hardship, of pain, of endless doctors and physical therapy appointments, endless bureaucracy with the VA, endless outrage at being ill-treated or ignored now that they are needy, after being flattered and adulated when they were needed by the Army.

From my vantage point as a mild cripple, I know how difficult and painful it is just to get up from a sitting position, or to sit down, and I have adapted my behavior to minimize these movements. (See more below)

Getting back to the poor GIs, one of them enlisted after the aluminum company he worked for went out of business. The other one was a poet whose wife fell in love over a poem he wrote. Apart from writing love poems he was a ne'er do well in his small town but his sweetheart believed in him. So they got married, had one or two children, then he loses his job, and with unemployment and a family to provide for, what are you gonna do? Looks like the Army is the answer. So the Army gets these White-Trash young men from Recessionville. It's not like their wife had a thing for men in uniform and relished life in a garrison town. These young men enlisted AFTER getting married because there was nothing else to do. But though they had hardly any other choice -other less scrupulous folks try cooking meth in their garage- they still enlisted voluntarily, as opposed to being drafted. And there's the rub: because the man knows that he will be asked to kill, and he knows that he will kill civilians and other innocents -resistance fighters are innocents- and he accepts to kill innocent people just so that his wife and children are spared the pangs of poverty. However you slice it, there is no ethical way to reconcile this formula that requires you to kill human beings to save the life of other human beings.

When a woman marries a soldier, she knows that he may be called to fight in foreign lands, and that he may be injured or killed, and she goes into the marriage with her eyes open. But when it is because of unemployment and a family to support that the man enlists, then it's a different ball game the wifey hadn't envisioned. Maybe she should have... Maybe she should have thought about the Economy and her husband's employment prospects before tying the knot and getting preggies. But obviously many do not think about these abstractions when their heart is aflutter and he's waiting downstairs in his ragtop to take her to the moo-vees.

In the articles accompanying the photo essays, three things stand out; the matter-of-fact tone the journalist uses to say that the returned GI's scream during their sleep -to the point nobody woud be roomies with them before they went back to their families-, also the very nasty sounding complication of amputation called "heterotopic ossification" or HO, which consists of bone tissue growing where it shouldn't, and, contrary to what the article says, is not particular to Iraq veterans, but a complication of amputation and other skeletal trauma, the third being the upbeat tone the copywriter... er, the journalist used to describe the performance of the microprocessor-aided prosthetic leg named "C-leg". It sounded downright enamored of the thing, which is horrible to look at to begin with. It's a little like the advertising for anything artificial. Breast implants come to mind. "Better-looking than the real thing!" The breasts, not the C-Leg.

This article will make you wonder whether the double amputees are not the lucky ones: Is Doomsday Coming For U.S. Forces In Iraq? Because once they are contaminated by DU, they are irrevocably sentenced to suffer horrible diseases, pain, disability and death, and the bad attitude of the VA which said to the vets of the first Gulf War of 1991 that it was all in their heads.


I avoid as much as possible changing from a sitting to a standing position or vice-versa, for instance after waking up, by dressing my upper body first, then putting on my socks, panties and pants only up to my knees, and when I have done everything I need to do before leaving my bedroom, like collecting stuff that should return to the kitchen, only then, when I'm ready to leave, do I get up and pull up my panties and pants in place. I am using my crutches again because walking without them is really too painful and does not improve with use.

I leave my crutches at the entrance of the kitchen and once there I do as many things as possible at the same spot to save steps, so for instance I prepare coffee, brush my teeth and clean my face (and apply extra-virgin olive oil as a moisturizer) without making a single step.

When coffee is ready, I bring it on a tray that also has something to eat for later, so I won't have to get up when I feel hungry, and so I can have my morning coffee by the window and start some needlework and work for two hours before I need to get up.

If I only have to re-heat my lunch I put it in a cast iron skillet on a low flame for twenty minutes or so, then I carry it on a tray to my bedroom and eat Roman-style, lying on my bed and propped on my elbow, and when I'm finished eating I carry the tray to the living room and sit down by the window again for more needlework, until I feel thirsty and the daylight is getting low. Then I take the empty tray to the kitchen, make myself some well-deserved tea, go to the bathroom, and have tea in bed while using my computer to read the news, write or surf the net. Then I do some crochet work that is in a bag hanging from a bed-post to my left and after a few hours have another meal just before going to sleep around 5 AM.

When I have done several hours of needlework by the window, using the best light there is for such work, which is the natural, God-given, free light of day, I feel thankful for another day of being alive and satisfied for having put my working hours in that day, thus a nice feeling to spend the evening by, which may explain why I sing almost every day...


...either some instrumental classical with my personal touch added (Albinoni's Adagio, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach) some French Chanson (I remember this woman singer named Catherine Sauvage, she wasn't much of a show-off but I liked her expressive mezzo voice, her intensity and the quality of her lyrics. Wore her brown hair very short) I also sing Boris Vian tunes, whose lyrics I learned in my mid teens and still remember perfectly and, of course, many American standards, so who needs an I-Pod? I have my own inside my head, my voice, I am perfectly happy with my voice. I also sing some tunes in Spanish -which I learned in my 1980's Salsa days, and also some tunes in German, from the original lyrics of the Three Penny Opera. So I have adapted to the situation of having no radio and no record player, and am perfectly satisfied with the status-quo most of the time, although I wouldn't reject some type of music player if I could get one.


About singing, I know that I have reached the level I was aiming at when I dreamed of being a professional singer:

and I owe this result to myself alone, to my native inclination and talent, and also to my hard work.


I lived since late July 2002 without a table in the kitchen, and oly the fireplace top for a working space. I also used a chair, as stated previously. But lately I grew impatient with the situation yet didn't see a solution. A table would take up too much space. What I needed was something rather narrow to put alongside the fireplace, and preferably at the same level, which is comfortable for working while standing. On the other hand I had this ironing board I never used, folded down but still taking up space in the kitchen, and
finally... this ironing board was just right: high enough and narrow enough. So I set it up. It even has a waterproof cover to protect the ironing surface. I must say, my cooking experience is much improved. All I need now to be a really, really happy cook is a small fridge and a cast iron frying pan for I will NOT use a non-stick pan, since the Teflon coating has been proved to have cancer-causing effluvia when the temperature rises (which is a predictable situation for a frying pan). Plus some more shelf space, and a smooth floor covering. Please, please dear God. Amen.

I wrote the following in response to an article in a Christian paper found, oddly, on Rense.com (they're not in the habit of linking to religious sites): Europe's Chastisement? -- How the Abandonment of Christianity May Be Leading to Disaster


There's much urgent talk about overpopulation and the need for a drastic reduction in mouths to feed because of insufficient food production capacity and forthcoming desertification due to global warming. Besides, economic situation is not conducive to optimism in the West, factory work being done in China and tech work increasingly by India. Unemployment, Mac jobs for college graduates... humans have a survival instinct for their species like animals at some level, and when survival is uncertain, they refrain from reproducing. About Sharia law, having had personal experience as a crime victim of corrupt justicein the US and France, I don't think Sharia law can be worse, and hopefully the Muslims won't be as barbaric as the US and before them the Crusaders, and will protect our cultural heritage.

More on DU and here too


Photos of babies with DU-caused birth defects and tumors in adults: SAY THANK YOU TO UNCLE GEORGE

Tues. the 18th: Went out today. Mailed by registered mail cancellation of insurance policy -well within the 2-months notice required since policy ends June 30. Also got more blue thread for embroidery.

I had been standing at the embroidery thread rack for about fifteen seconds when a woman pushing a baby stroller like a weapon (I didn't see if there was an occupant in it) turned away from the cash register and walked, or rather marched, straight toward me instead of straight ahead toward the exit, as if she intended to ram her stroller into me. If she had kept going she would have, no doubt about it. I saw her from the corner of my eye, for my peripheral vision is excellent -I'm sayin this in case nobody noticed- so I turned before the fatal crash and said "Attention! Imbecile!" She avoided me at the last second, walked away and didn't say a word.

It's strange how people just can't resist running me over. When it's not a 15-ton bus it's a shopping cart on wheels, or a stroller. As long as it has wheels.

I bought some internet time at the place I used to go before, KIS on rue Auguste Perret, because my computer has a low resolution graphic card and a slow processor I can't see well photos and videos. That's what I said to the guy, and asked him for a pair of headphones, and he set me up at a computer that didn't have sound, so I had to collect all my things -coat, backpack, shoulder bag, shopping bag and crutches, and go to another computer. Once I started to play a video I found that one of the earphone channels was working intermittently, so I had to request another pair of headphones. I don't know if the guy did it on purpose or if he's just very dumb or not caring for customers. Maybe he gave me bad equipment to bug me because since most of his customers come to play games, the computers have sound and working headphones by default. So I made him stop his game and get up twice. I noticed how people who want to annoy me don't hesitate to annoy themselves a great deal first.

I thought I would find my March bank statement in the mail since last time I went out on the 11th it wasn't there, but it wasn't in the mail this time either. Oh! I see! That's supposed to be a new feature of the new Banque Postale. New and Improved I suppose. Wait for your bank statement one full month! Get the March statement at the end of April! What a great idea! How come no other bank thought of that before?

Time before last Mom slipped a note under my door last month, she said she was cutting her allowance until I removed my website. This time (on the 13th) she starts with "When are you going to stop this comedy?" I don't know what she calls a comedy. Maybe four doctors refusing to treat my fractured leg is what provokes her mirth. If she finds it funny I don't know why I should stop. And this time she says that I should give her news (the imperative form is her favorite) and she won"t "act" (I suppose it means "give money" but she deliberately keeps the language vague to be able to say she never promised any such thing) until I phone or write. I think she'd like me to beg for money for a water heater and a bath tub, and all the other things I've been doing without for so long but that would greatly improve my life. She just loves to hear pleas for help, and it probably gives her powerful mental orgasms to feel that she has power over me, keep me teetering on the brink of desperation, and then to deny my request, or grant it at extortionate conditions. I don't know why else she does it. One thing fore sure is that she does not deny help for lack of funds, or else she does what she has done so often, she promises a certain amount and she gives only two thirds or three fourths of it. For instance last summer she promised me 1,500 Euros and she gave me only 1,000. Anyway she owes me a lot, according to the paper she signed in late July 2002 before her notaire Me Laurent, and as long as she hasn't allowed him to give me this sum (about 43,000 Euros plus the title to my apartment), I don't see why I should beg her and give her all the details of my miserable situation. This would open the door to a little more psychological torture, another of her favorite games. "But I gave you forty euros for your birthday to buy yourself a pair a pants. Or was that forty-five?" "-But you said it was a gift and now you count it as part of the allowance money you gave me, besides it was in November, and you add it to the money you gave me in December. (She does this kind of shenanigan every chance she gets. Plus, note, she gives me money to buy myself a pair of pants for my birthday!) And while she nickels-and-dimes me and I feel a horrible psychological pain like she is twisting the knife in the wound, the huge amounts she owes me are going unmentioned. And if by chance I mention them she says that we are in "indivision". That is, I am the only one who is in "indivision", which is an absolute oxymoron, but the reality is that I am the only one who does not have possession of her inheritance. My other siblings own their home and receive at least 600 Euros per month in rental income from their apartment at the building where I live. Imagine if I had that amount to live on, it would make a big difference, yet it is not such a great amount of money to live on for a month.

So, excuse me for believing that I was never counted as a heir, that I was supposed to be dead at the moment of splitting the estate, and that all these "accidents" were intended to cause my death. Until I have proof that I am mistaken, I shall continue believing that this is so. Mom is like George Bush in this respect: she keeps changing the excuse, he for invading Iraq, she for denying me my inheritance, but the result is unchanged: he stays in Iraq and I don't get my inheritance.

Farther on in her little note slipped under the door, she says something like "God grants his bounty to the good and the bad alike, but I am not God". I have pondered the meaning of this for a long time. It is the very first time I witness her claiming NOT to be the ultimate reference in Right and Good, so there must be a reason. Does it have anything to do with the date of her note, the 13th? So if she claims for the first time on the 13th that she is not God, does that mean that she claims she's a baddie?

I didn't know what to make of this Gospel reference: "God grants his bounty to the good and the bad alike...", but maybe it was only a device to introduce the important statement, or rather, the UNDER-statement "I am not God". You betcha she isn't God. Told her so too, when she said "While you're at it, why don't you say that I'm a monster?" And I replied "But you are a monster, Maman!" and she hung up on me.

Prominent U.S. Physicists Send Letter to President Bush advising against attacking Iran with "mini-nukes": http://www.physorg.com/news64505715.html

Depleted Uranium-caused EXTREME DEFORMITIES

Fri. the 21st About two weeks ago I called up a contractor to come and view the water damage in my entrance and bathroom, to get an estimate and get the repair work done and covered by my insurance. The woman on the phone kept me waiting for a long time without saying anything, so finally I asked her what was the matter, and she answered that she was looking for my neighborhood on a map even though I had told her from the start that it was at Porte de Choisy. She gave me the date and time of the appointment, saying the contractor would use the insurance guidelines, then she asked me the name of my insurance company. I do not see the relevance this piece of info has to the contractor. So by the last Friday before the Monday appointment I didn't like the idea of this guy with an Italian name coming to my apartment so I called to cancel. The woman asked me to make another appointment, so I said I would call her back.

I don't know if I have a bad turn of mind but there seems to be a pattern where my first move to take care of a problem is frustrated, then a long time elapses during which the problem remains unsolved, and then comes a time where a solution seems to be at hand, and, presumably, I would be so fed up with the problem that I would not look too closely at the solution being offered. Is this a Hegelian mind-fuck or what? You know, Thesis (I take action to solve a problem) Antithesis (an obstacle frustrates my intent)... and then, Synthesis, a solution presents itself but with an unpleasant overtone which makes me demur. And so, the problem remains unsolved.


Tues. the 25th: Well, Jamie, you have my vote. The American People has been sold on the "easy" commercial jingle, so anything easy is better than what takes effort. It's easier to buy "convenience", so go ahead an buy potato chips in indestructible *sta-fresh* packaging that brings the pound of taters to 35 dollars. It's e-z. It's e-z to plop down on the couch and use the remote to fill your leisure time. You don't have to think, to read, to reflect. The only solicitations are to your eyes and ears, and then your reptilian centers, your anti-social instincts that lay dormant but ready to spring to life, where cruelty, blood-lust and any sexual-violent combination is OK because if it's on TV it's ok, it's e-z. Plus if you have been victimized in the past, as a child, and haven't matured, then you crave all that violence. And all you have to do is sit down and click the remote. E-z bloodshed. Not your own. Tears, not yours this time. Damn Ay-rabs had it coming. Now play some shoot-em-up video game on the computer. E-z. Fun blood, fun guts, fun dead.


"Remember, the key is money. They need it like a drug. We can cut off their supply of their drug by comsuming less, and at the same time ,we will personally benefit from less consumption." I fully agree with this statement. There are leisure activities that are very cheap and time-consuming in a pleasant way. Crochet or embroidery for example, and also "making things" with natural materials and very basic tools like the Native Americans did. Very interesting to study, and to make, and gives a great feeling of accomplishment, combats depression without any drugs. Compare your basic movie-going experience: with that money, you can easily spend dozens of hours making things with inexpensive, natural materials. Question your assumptions, then change your habits.


I posted the following on an astrology message board:
Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:55 pm
Post subject: victim or perpetrator - Is there a third choice?

When there are squares or oppositions between malefics, and other tough aspects to Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, what is one to do if one wants neither to be a victim nor a perpetrator? In my case I have 2 T squares: Mars in the 8th in Cap opposition Uranus square Saturn/Neptune conj., and Sun in the 6th in Sco, opp. Jupiter retrograde in Taurus in the 12th, square Pluto conJ the IC and the cusp of the 4th house. Oops... and Moon square Venus. Since early childhood I have been victimized by my parents and siblings and other people my folks bought off, suffered terrible crimes, couldn't get justice. I'm in my early 50's now and would like some peace I have achieved peace of mind because I am not conflicted with myself, but wish people would let me live my life and stop interfering. So i repeat my question, is there another choice besides victim or perp? Born Paris, France, November 12, 1952 - 7:15 PM
Last edited by kamo on Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

Joined: 25 Jun 2005
Posts: 436
Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:58 am
Post subject: Saturn and Pluto

Without a chart it is hard to say, but it SOUNDS like you are saying you have a T-square focused on Saturn (duty, also authority) and Pluto (transformation, also power, control) conjunct (energy is combined with) Nadir (inner world). These are strong and powerful energies which you can use...once you own them for yourself. With Saturn, start building up your OWN authority instead of going to outside authorities. With Pluto, look for ways to build up your OWN power inside. Find out what makes you "feel" powerful and work at building those things up.

Of course, it is easy for me to say these things to you...but YOU do have the authority and power to make this happen. After all, these are YOUR chart energies!
Wishing you the best,

From: kamo
To: wilsontc
Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:32 pm
Subject: victim or perp, cont'd
Thanks for your input. Between roughly the ages of 20 and 30 I was a "good girl" to my parents, doing what they wanted me to do for a living -secretary- though I wanted to pursue higher ed and in particular study music. Around my 1st Saturn return I had a horrible feeling of self-betrayal and I pulled off from the brink by deciding to be true to myself. I sought older men because I needed advice and assumed they were wiser but found otherwise. I studied what I wanted to study without going to college. I speak fluent English and Spanish (being French), learned to play jazz guitar and Latin music, dance, US law when I had legal trouble. I did what you advise and was my own counsel. When in doubt I imagined I was the main character in a novel and acted the way I would enjoy my character to behave, i.e. courageously, if I was reading the novel because I had only my higher self to turn to for advice. Since I returned (May 13, 2002) from a 20 year stay in the US I have won the psy-wars orchestrated by my folks to reduce me to a slobbering mental patient. But still they won't leave me alone, prevent me from making a living, having friends, a normal life etc. Have suffered many serious crimes all my life, paid for by parents. Tired of it. Born Paris, FR Nov. 12, 1952 7:15 PM

From: wilsontc
To: kamo
Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:14 pm
Subject: Re: victim or perp, cont'd
I understand your difficulty. When we are children we find it difficult, if not impossible to own our own power. So we give it away...to our parents, our teachers, our friends, people we meet, etc. and let THEM make the decisions and have the power (Pluto) and responsibility (Saturn) for those decisions. When we become an adult, we need to take back both our power and our responsibility.

As challenging as your life has been, I believe only by seeing yourself as an active, powerful participant in your life, can you gain back both your authority or your power. A victim is someone who never has to take resoponsibility...it's always someone else's fault. However, in accepting the role of victim we deny ourselves the power to choose what to do with our lives. We wait for "them" to make the decision.

With transiting (planets in the sky) Pluto (transformation, also power, control) conjuncting your Descendant (others), it is now time to take back your power! Make your adult thoughts clear to your parents...that you are an adult and expect to be treated like an adult. That you aren't going to put up with any games. That you expect honesty and an end to "double dealing" DIShonesty. Take back your own power!

If your parents are mature, responsible, empowered adults, they will respect and help you in your quest to be responsible and take charge of your life. If they don't, and refuse to help you move forward in life...then maybe it is time to let them go, to move on with your own life. You can still stay in contact with them, but, now you understand they will only hold you back in life, you may want to limit those contacts.

This is the challenge of Pluto...taking control of our lives and keeping those things which build us up and letting go all those things (no matter how long we have held onto them) that hold us back in our lives. Most likley your parents will NOT want to lose you due to their own stubbornness. Make your conditions clear, get any "lies" you think they are doing out in the open, and get a straight answer.

It's time to take control!
Powerfully in control,

For information on basic astrological chart interpretation see: http://www.geocities.com/wilsontctc

From: kamo
To: wilsontc
Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:57 pm
Subject: Re: victim or perp, cont'd

You say that as children we surrender our power to adults, but we don't have a choice. They have legal authority over us, make us believe they know everything and we kids are stupid, they know what is best for us even if it hurts like hell and we have no choice but to let them do what they want, even abuse our ignorance and helplessness. Power-sick adults inculcate to children, and girls epecially, that being powerful and having a will and a mind of one's own is not nice.

I am not asking for platitudes about taking responsibility, about not wallowing in self-pity calling myself a victim blah blah... . I have been very active to follow my calling, to be true to myself, to do no harm to anyone, I have left my country at age 30 to live my life regardless of my parents disapproval and don't see what more I could have done. I see my family as a kind of Mafia family where if you don't embrace that life you're dead meat. I have six siblings and one mother against me, plus about 15 nephews and nieces indoctrinated against me, been ripped off my inheritance and left almost destitute with no economic power. All I have are my smarts, my good faith and the legitimacy of my claim.

Astrologically, the hard aspects and the malefics I was speaking about mean either that YOU ARE VIOLENT or THE VICTIM OF VIOLENCE. That is why I am asking for a third way. Maybe I have found the power after all, and it is working slowly but surely...

From: wilsontc
To: kamo
Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 5:08 am
Subject: Re: victim or perp, cont'd

It sounds like you have found the answer that works for you.
Best wishes,

From: kamo
To: wilsontc
Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:14 pm
Subject: victim or perp, cont'd-2

Well, thanks for your help. What you said did help me to confirm what I thought was the root cause of the problem. I've been in a power struggle with my parents since I was very young. I understood very early what power was, and used my power when I could. There is another word for power, which is how I previously thought about it: freedom. One big issue was that my parents wanted to force me to do things I knew were wrong and to prove I had free will I refrained from doing them even though I knew I earned their wrath and cruel revenge. As an adolescent I had eating disorders and stopped eating because that was the only way I had of manifesting power. As an adult I didn't want to submit to a man's authority so I remained single to keep all my freedom of choice and enjoy all my rights under the law. Other women like my mother marry and pretend to submit to their husband but they are devious and manipulative while maintaining the appearance of helplessness. I find it so demeaning to resort to this. I only wanted to be accepted as a human being, why should I sneak around, hiding my true identity? Excuse me if I was curt. I forgot that you had no way of knowing what I had done with my life. Since you confirmed what the issues of my life are: power and authority, and I made 25 years ago the choices that you advise , I know I lived up honorably to the challenge and trust everything will turn out all right.

Sun Apr 23, 2006 12:07 am

I received a private message saying Quote: A victim is someone who never has to take resoponsibility...it's always someone else's fault. However, in accepting the role of victim we deny ourselves the power to choose what to do with our lives. We wait for "them" to make the decision."

Of course I do not accept being a victim and do not wallow in self-pity and do not avoid taking responsibility. However there is such a thing as crime and criminals and the persons who are harmed by them are called victims. Pretending there is no such thing as victims is to deny the reality of crime, which is adding insult to injury, not very helpful.

So please understand that I am not enjoying having had my bones and my teeth broken, my inheritance ripped off etc. etc. etc... I am asking the question whether there is a THIRD choice because when a natal chart shows particular stressful aspects involving Mars and Saturn, among others, it can mean either that one is a victim or a perpetrator, and I want to be neither. So I repeat, I mean the word "victim" in the legal sense.


Sun. the 30th: During the last week of April there was this splash-screen at Rense.com, showing a Condi Rice with satanic attributes and some riot-police coming behind her with truncheon at the ready: SATANIC CONDI and, listed among the articles, this collection of photographs of the same woman, looking mean as usual, like she "means" business, but in the last one she has been given some blood-dripping fangs and she looks really nightmarish: VAMPIRE CONDI. So you have to wonder, at least I did, what's the matter with Condi. Is someone hiding behind her, using her as a stand-in to make a point, like another pissed-off female? The webmaster posted a disclaimer against any objection with the statement that he's all for freedom of expression. Sure. If the price is right, that is.


I have finished my piece in Assisi Embroidery on white burlap. It is a vertical band 20cm wide by 37 high. I am very pleased with the result but found it challenging all the way through, down to the little embellishments on the side I made at the very end, which look easy as pie but gave me such a hard time I had to undo my stitches at least on three occasions! But the final result is worth the trouble and I will make more embroidery in this style, definitely!


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